mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I met the friendliest cop last night
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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