why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
