Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just googled if crying burns calories
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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