apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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