So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
