i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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