Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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