I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
