How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
