Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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