Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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