i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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