Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
