I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
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