he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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