I'm lost and stupid without you.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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