plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
