Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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