My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
