Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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