my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
