i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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