So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
