Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
