also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
