I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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