I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
