Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
