Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
