I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
