Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
