I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
