Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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