I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
