Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
