Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
