I wish my penis had an off switch
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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