Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
