I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
