Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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