The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
