Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
