i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
