Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just want to make out with him forever
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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