just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
