Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
