Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
