my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Randomize
