Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
