Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
