i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
